5 Critical Factors to Consider Before Going to the Hospital

September 13, 2019September 13, 2019

5 Critical Factors to Consider Before Going to the Hospital

We’ve all been there. You’re in excruciating pain and the only way in which it can be relieved is with the healing touch of a doctor. You fear that without the assistance of a “qualified professional” you may be suffering for months, or perhaps even years. What most people are unaware of, however, is that hospitals are scary, pointless and an enormous waste of money. Consider these five factors before mindlessly rushing your way to a hospital.

How long would you like to live?

Your life expectancy may determine the worthwhileness of a visit to the hospital. Make responsible decisions and play your cards right to live the life you want.

Not much longer – You drew a bad hand from the day you were born and somehow, it’s only been downhill from there. This array of disheartening circumstances has resulted in your loss of will to live entirely. Doctors may be able to assist you in your dilemma through euthanasia. If you don’t find yourself there already, fly out to New Jersey, California or any of the other of the seven states in which euthanasia legal and make your dreams become a reality.

60 more years – You’ve got your life entirely planned out. Exactly 60 years from today marks two weeks after your 82^nd birthday, also known as the 65th anniversary of the time you won the big tennis match against Chris. Once this moment is over, life will be null of all meaning, but until then you have many adventures to experience to and stories to tell. That being said, since you live by such a heavily structured plan, why don’t you just plan not to get sick or injured in the first place?

Forever – You have no intention of dying now, let alone ever. Well I have some news you won’t be too excited to hear. As history shows, everyone who has been to a hospital has one day passed away. Hedge your bets and try to find yourself as far away from a hospital as you can fathom.

Why are you going to the hospital?

Nobody wants to go to the hospital. It’s a place for sick people to get together and keep each other ill. Make sure it’s worth your valuable time before throwing away your whole day.

I have a fever – You’re probably just overreacting. All of your friends and loved ones have had a fever at least once in their lives, but you just have to be the one to blow things out of proportion. The only reason you’re going to the doctor is to pry for the care you haven’t received from your significant other. Well I hate to break it to you but that’s just not gonna happen

One of my limbs feels weird – You’re just overreacting. If everyone went to the hospital every time one of their limbs felt weird, doctors would be pissed. An odd feeling limb just means that it’s working properly. If you’re still able to move them, you’re probably fine. If not, then all things happen for a reason and that’s just the way it’s meant to be.

Anything else – If you don’t have a fever and your limbs are all intact yet you still find yourself wanting to visit the doctor, you’re probably overreacting. Put a band-aid on whatever mental or physical injury you may have endured and keep moving forward.

Have you checked online?

We’re living in the age of information. Generations of knowledge can be found at your finger tips. Be sure to take advantage of your own resources to determine whether or not you need to visit the hospital.

The internet is for nerds – It’s 2019 and you’re still insecure about using the internet. Whatever cause for seeking medical attention you may have can be temporarily put on hold. You clearly have deep rooted issues that first need to be solved internally. Once you figure yourself out, you can proceed to fix yourself.

Yes, the website I visited suggested I go to a doctor – That website was likely created by a doctor to manipulate you into throwing away your money. You wouldn’t jump off a bridge just because an architect told you to, would you? Find an alternative source of information that steers you in an unbiased direction.

That’s what I’m doing right now – You came to the right place. Continue reading this article and fill your brain with knowledge.

Are you friends with a doctor?

Your social network may prove to be exceptionally useful in a situation where you are in need of medical attention. Check in with your friends before relying on a stranger.

Yes – You’ve become so successful in life to where you’ve surrounded yourself with a network of professionals. Amongst these professionals is a series of specialized doctors, each leading in their respective fields. Think twice before asking them for help. The last thing you want is to embarrass yourself in front your peers with an illness you should have prevented yourself in the first place.

No – Your inability to trust others, and worse yet yourself, has led you down a path of drug addiction coated with regret. Side effects from the abundance of cocaine and methamphetamines in your system has you feeling both weak and paranoid. Don’t even think about going to the hospital unless you want a one-way ticket to jail after having your blood tested.

Have you attempted to become a doctor yourself?

There’s no one more qualified to treat you than yourself. These office quacks think of you as nothing more than a piece of meat with a wallet full of cash, and you won’t stand for it any longer. Time to hit the books and fulfill your calling of becoming a doctor.

Yes, but I failed out of medical school – Failing out of med school, is a sign that you shouldn’t have even tried in the first place. Since you clearly don’t have the capability to become a doctor, you also don’t deserve to be in the presence of one. Rather than visiting a doctor to mend you, go crawl in a ditch and die.

No, I never intended on becoming a doctor – Here’s a fun little anecdote. There once was a child who decided that he didn’t want to become a doctor. He died at the age of five and didn’t even have the opportunity to graduate from grade school. Don’t throw your life away just because you don’t think being a doctor will be “fun”. Get that doctorate and patch yourself up right quick.

I’m already a doctor – Who are you kidding, if you were any doctor to marvel at, you wouldn’t be ill in the first place. Time to stop playing make believe your whole life and get yourself a real job. March your way to Harvard University and get yourself the best degree money can’t buy.

Now that you have a wealth of information, it’s time for you to make an informed decision on whether or not it’s worthwhile to visit the hospital.

September 25, 2018September 25, 2018

6 Important Factors to Consider When Buying Toilet Paper

We’ve all been there. You’re at the department store in search for your usual brand of toilet paper, but when you look around, you find yourself overwhelmed by the massive selection of brand names. You begin to think to yourself “Maybe I’ve been using the wrong brand of toilet paper my whole life.” For some, this may lead to an existential crisis, or worse yet, the purchase of a less than ideal brand of toilet paper. The following guide will help you confidently walk into any Walmart or Supermarket and say, “I know exactly what I came for”.

1) What is Your Annual Income

Forget about the stock market and your 401k’s. If you really want to see your bank account full in 20 years, make sure you’re picking the correct toilet paper.

Unemployed – If you’re not bringing in any cash than why are you buying toilet paper in the first place? You already know what to do. Take a walk to your local Wendy’s, order a small water and ask for extra napkins.
$20,000 – $43,672 – You’ve been spoiled your whole life. Your parents provided you with soft, comfortable toilet paper all throughout your childhood. Time to face facts, you’re not that special and you can barely afford rent. Go ahead and pick yourself up some Scotts 1 – ply Thin toilet paper.
$43,673 – $84,222 – Congrats grad, you made it! You’re successful enough to afford the luxury of standard 2 – ply toilet paper. Don’t be spending all your money on toilet paper though. Kirkland 2 – ply Thin, or Charmin Ultra Soft 2 – ply Thick toilet paper is perfect for your payroll.
$95,689 – $189,672 – Wow, triple digits. It’s a shame there isn’t any 3 – ply toilet paper. Oh wait, there is! Go out and buy White Cloud Extra Soft and Thick 3-ply toilet paper, some of the softest on the market.
$189,673 ~ – Now that the peasants are gone, let’s talk real toilet paper. This isn’t about comfort or value anymore. This is about showing your peers that you can afford the most expensive toilet paper on the market. You’re not going to find this next roll at your local shopping center so go online and get your hands on some custom printed Gucci toilet paper.

2) What Kind of Parent Are You?

The brand of toilet paper you use says a lot about the type of parent you are. Do you want your children to get accustomed to the entitled lifestyle you’ve provided them or do you want them to feel the pain that life has to offer?

I Don’t Have Any Kids – Lucky you. That means you have less toilet paper to share. Spoil yourself with some Charmin Ultra Soft 2- ply Thick.
I Want My Children to See the Harsh Realities of the World We Live In – Go ahead and pick up the first Scott’s 1 – ply Thin toilet paper you can find. Show your children that the world ain’t all rainbows and sunshine. They’ll thank you when they’re older.
I Want the Best for My Kids – Who are you kidding? You just want that soft, plush toilet paper for yourself. Go ahead and purchase the same Charmin Ultra Soft you would have bought if you didn’t break the condom in the first place.

3) How Often Do You Find Yourself in the Bathroom?

Yes, even if you’re just going in there to take a shower. This is the toilet paper you’re going to have to look at every time you go into your sacred room, so keep that in consideration.

Just Call Me Kim Jong-Un – You’re officially off the hook. You’ve saved yourself a life time of monthly expenses and trips to the store. There’s no need for toilet paper if you have nothing to use it for.
1-2 Times Per Day – Unless you’re in the bathroom for hours on end, don’t feel pressured to invest in the most prestigious of toilet paper. You can settle for a pack of Charmin Basic 1- ply Thick.
3-7 Times Per Day – You go in your bathroom on average 5 times per day. Maybe just to shower or maybe just to tinkle, but the last thing you want to see is 1 – ply toilet paper starring you in your eyes 35 times a week. On the other hand, Quilted Northern Soft and Strong 2 – ply Thick would be a sight to behold.
8+ Times Per Day – Your strange obsession with the bathroom is unusual yet intriguing. It’s probably unhealthy too. On your way back from the doctor, pick up White Cloud Ultra Soft and Thick 3 – Ply toilet paper.

4) How Frequently Do You Talk About Your Toilet Paper?

None of us are perfect. You may find that you’ve been discussing toilet paper for 20 minutes before you realize what you’ve been talking about. The frequency at which you talk about your toilet paper should play a significant role in the toilet paper you choose to use on a day to day basis.

Who in Their Right Mind Brings up Toilet Paper in Conversation? – Get off your high horse buddy. Some of us may just not have much else to talk about. Pick up some standard Kirkland 2 – ply Thin toilet paper and do your business in silence.
Occasionally, When I Run Out of Things to Talk About – Don’t feel embarrassed, sometimes a chat goes dry and that is all you have left to offer the conversation. If this is the case, you better come prepared. Either buy a pack of 2 – ply Thick Charmin Ultra Soft, some of the softest toilet paper you just can’t stop bragging about, or get your hands on the some 1 – ply Think Scotts toilet paper and complain about how uncomfortable it makes you feel after a trip to Chipotle.
OMG I Am OBSSESSED With Toilet Paper. My Friends and Family Don’t Understand it, but This Is My World and They’re Just Living in it. – Alright Costanza, slow your roll. To most of us, toilet paper isn’t interesting. In fact, it’s one of the least interesting topics to talk about. Unless, that is, you are wiping your bottom with something extremely out of the ordinary. No need to go to Walmart for this one, instead, hit the brakes, make a U-turn and floor it to the nearest home improvement store. You won’t believe the looks on your friends’ faces when they find out you’ve been using sandpaper to clean up your mess.

5) How Often Do You Invite Guests?

Your guests expect the most from you, but sometimes they expect too much. Don’t let them take advantage of you, but at the same time, try your best to be a good host.

What’s a Guest? – Your favorite pastime is to lie down in your room, read a book, and not leave. Ever. A guest has never entered your home and you’ll be damned if one ever will. Such inhospitality should not be rewarded. Buy Scotts 1 – Ply Thin 1000 roll toilet paper. It will serve the dual purpose of keeping guests away and saving you another trip to the department store any time soon.
Sometimes I’ll Invite My Friends Over to Watch a Movie – Become the envy of your friend group by providing them with comfortable, yet affordable, Charmin Ultra Strong 2 – ply Thin toilet paper. Movie night will officially be relocated to your house and Andy will be so jealous.
I Throw a Party Every Day – Unless you’re Jeff Bezos, throw in the towel now because you’ll never be able to afford enough premium toilet paper to please everyone. Buy some Charmin Basic 1 – ply Thick toilet paper and make your house guests suffer the same pain you do.

6) How Does It Feel on the Way Out?

One of the most important factors to consider. The last thing you want is to come unprepared for a disaster. Stock up on the perfect toilet paper for the most imperfect moments.

Like Pillows Falling from Heaven into the Ocean – Going to the bathroom is the highlight of your day. You’ve spent hours at work, your ass is tense, and you’re only looking forward to one thing. Open your bathroom door and enter to the sight of a roll of Angel Soft 2 – ply Thin toilet paper.
Normal – You’re not passionate about a thing in the world and your experience in the bathroom is no exception. Get in your Honda Civic and drive to the nearest ShopRite where you can purchase your store-brand ShopRite 1000 sheet 1 – ply Thin toilet paper.
IT FUCKING BURNS – Woah! What was that? Did another volcano erupt in Hawaii or was that just your intestines spilling out into the toilet? Time to reconsider your go-to toilet paper and pick up some Cottonelle Gentle Care with Aloe.

August 24, 2018August 23, 2018

New Study: You’ve Been Working Out Wrong Your Whole Life (And So Have Your Ancestors)

A new study shows that we have been working out incorrectly for years. These findings will not only help you look and feel better, but working out will be easier than ever before. That’s right! Experts have found that rather than consistently increasing the weight you lift after maxing out each set, it is more effective to, in fact, decrease the weight.

“Whenever you increase the amount of weight you lift, you’re essentially sending neurons to your muscles which signal to them that they aren’t strong enough. Turns out, similar to an adolescent child, our muscles are very stubborn by nature and tend to respond poorly to negative feedback.” said head researcher Paul Schneider. “Alternatively, when you decrease the amount of weight that you lift, those same neurons are letting your muscles know that you already believe that they are strong enough, always have been, and always will be. That emotional support results in the muscle to increase in not only size but in happiness as well.”

The reason some experts believe we’ve stuck to the same defective method for so long is because it is in our nature to think that more is better. This study has been traced back all the way to the Paleolithic Era when people had to hunt for food and scavenge for berries. Typically, those who returned with the most food or the most berries were rewarded by being able to eat the most food or the most berries. For centuries, we’ve falsely believed that the same rules translated to working out.

“It made sense back then. It just doesn’t make sense now.” Schneider said.

In light of these recent findings, the government will begin enforcing all public gyms to include 2.5, 2, 1.5, 1 and 0.5 pound free weights as a part of their selection.

The results of related study: Does Eating Less Calories Actually Make You Gain Weight? Are sure to shock you.

August 20, 2018August 21, 2018

You Didn’t Get Saved by Thanos. Now What?

If you’re a big fan of Marvel’s Infinity Wars, or if your life long goal is to seek balance in all things, you may have recently found yourself on the subreddit r/thanosdidnothingwrong. Being a relatively new subreddit, this page amassed over 700k subscribers shortly after announcing the promise of banning half of their subscribers.

In an event on July 7, 2018 referred to as “The Snap”, half of the subreddit’s subscribers were saved by Thanos. However, there are still the unfortunate few who remain unbanned and can post, comment and up vote freely today. If you, like myself, find yourself in this position, don’t panic. Just follow these few steps to get through this unbearably difficult time in your life.

You deserve it. Your whole life had been leading up to this moment and you didn’t get banned. Don’t hold back. Let this be the outlet for all the other failures and mistakes you’ve made. Life is so unfair.

Compose yourself

Alright, your moment of weakness is over. Time to show to your friends and family that you don’t really care about some dumb subreddit. Wipe those salty tears off your face and continue eating dinner. Or better yet, make use of those tears to enhance the flavor of your bland mashed potatoes. Disregard the concerned and disappointed looks from the rest of the table.

Look on the bright side

Remember what this was all for in the first place. While you may not have been one of the lucky half who got saved by Thanos, you still got to play a major role in history. All that shit-posting wasn’t for nothing. Without your pointless desire to ban 350k people from a subreddit, The Snap may have never happened and the universe wouldn’t be perfectly balanced. As all things should be.