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Donald Trump Announces That He Will Be Changing Colors of American Flag

An image shared by the secretary of the Department of Health & Human Services showed the President drawing a blue stripe on an outline of the American Flag. Shortly after it had surfaced, the photograph went viral on social media. Millions of people began to question the president’s ability to recall the colors of the American flag, and how this depicted him as a leader. In response, President Trump held a press conference, where he stated that the colors he chose were no mistake. He followed by announcing that he will be officially changing the color of the fourth stripe on the American Flag from white to blue.

“I would’ve liked to have made this announcement when my team had all the details sorted out, but the FAKE NEWS MEDIA thought it would be wise to leak this image so they can push their agenda. Sad. Very sad. I chose, without making any mistake, to color one of the stripes blue on our beautiful American Flag to show the wonderful children of Ohio a first look at the new and improved design of our country’s flag. Our administration has officially decided to change the fourth stripe of our already remarkable American flag from white to blue to show appreciation to our amazing police force, seriously those guys are doing great, and ICE who are doing an absolutely fantastic job keeping the drug dealing immigrants out of our country!”

When later informed that it was his own department who shared the photograph and not a separate news organization, Trump had this to say. “Everyone in the department of Health & Human Services are wonderful people. Some of the best people I’ve ever known. I talked to them yesterday and gave specific instructions to post the picture online, which they executed flawlessly.”

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New Study: You’ve Been Working Out Wrong Your Whole Life (And So Have Your Ancestors)

A new study shows that we have been working out incorrectly for years. These findings will not only help you look and feel better, but working out will be easier than ever before. That’s right! Experts have found that rather than consistently increasing the weight you lift after maxing out each set, it is more effective to, in fact, decrease the weight.

“Whenever you increase the amount of weight you lift, you’re essentially sending neurons to your muscles which signal to them that they aren’t strong enough. Turns out, similar to an adolescent child, our muscles are very stubborn by nature and tend to respond poorly to negative feedback.” said head researcher Paul Schneider. “Alternatively, when you decrease the amount of weight that you lift, those same neurons are letting your muscles know that you already believe that they are strong enough, always have been, and always will be. That emotional support results in the muscle to increase in not only size but in happiness as well.”

The reason some experts believe we’ve stuck to the same defective method for so long is because it is in our nature to think that more is better. This study has been traced back all the way to the Paleolithic Era when people had to hunt for food and scavenge for berries. Typically, those who returned with the most food or the most berries were rewarded by being able to eat the most food or the most berries. For centuries, we’ve falsely believed that the same rules translated to working out.

“It made sense back then. It just doesn’t make sense now.” Schneider said.

In light of these recent findings, the government will begin enforcing all public gyms to include 2.5, 2, 1.5, 1 and 0.5 pound free weights as a part of their selection.

 

The results of related study: Does Eating Less Calories Actually Make You Gain Weight? Are sure to shock you.

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Father Dunks on Son Then Pursues Career in NBA

After destroying his 8-year-old son in a friendly pickup game, accountant and family man David Anders quit his full-time job to pursue his aspiration of becoming a professional basketball player. When asked the final score of the game, Anders responded. “I mean, like, it wasn’t even close. This kid had the audacity to challenge me and didn’t even score a point. Not to brag, but, I even made him cry.”

Anders claims that he hasn’t had any luck getting drafted yet, but believes that it’s only a matter of time before The Knicks pick him up. He has spent the past two weeks harassing customers at high-end restaurants in NYC to play a game of basketball.

“Think about it like this. If you’re the owner of a multi-billion-dollar basketball team, are you gonna be wasting your time searching for unknown talent or are you gonna be blowing your money on expensive food and fancy cars?” Anders said.

Throughout his pursuit to join the NBA, David Anders has gotten banned from a total of four restaurants and has been served a divorce from his wife.

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You Didn’t Get Saved by Thanos. Now What?

If you’re a big fan of Marvel’s Infinity Wars, or if your life long goal is to seek balance in all things, you may have recently found yourself on the subreddit r/thanosdidnothingwrong. Being a relatively new subreddit, this page amassed over 700k subscribers shortly after announcing the promise of banning half of their subscribers.

In an event on July 7, 2018 referred to as “The Snap”, half of the subreddit’s subscribers were saved by Thanos. However, there are still the unfortunate few who remain unbanned and can post, comment and up vote freely today. If you, like myself, find yourself in this position, don’t panic. Just follow these few steps to get through this unbearably difficult time in your life.

  • Cry

You deserve it. Your whole life had been leading up to this moment and you didn’t get banned. Don’t hold back. Let this be the outlet for all the other failures and mistakes you’ve made. Life is so unfair.

  • Compose yourself

Alright, your moment of weakness is over. Time to show to your friends and family that you don’t really care about some dumb subreddit. Wipe those salty tears off your face and continue eating dinner. Or better yet, make use of those tears to enhance the flavor of your bland mashed potatoes. Disregard the concerned and disappointed looks from the rest of the table.

  • Look on the bright side

Remember what this was all for in the first place. While you may not have been one of the lucky half who got saved by Thanos, you still got to play a major role in history. All that shit-posting wasn’t for nothing. Without your pointless desire to ban 350k people from a subreddit, The Snap may have never happened and the universe wouldn’t be perfectly balanced. As all things should be.