We’ve all been there. You’re at the department store in search for your usual brand of toilet paper, but when you look around, you find yourself overwhelmed by the massive selection of brand names. You begin to think to yourself “Maybe I’ve been using the wrong brand of toilet paper my whole life.” For some, this may lead to an existential crisis, or worse yet, the purchase of a less than ideal brand of toilet paper. The following guide will help you confidently walk into any Walmart or Supermarket and say, “I know exactly what I came for”.
1) What is Your Annual Income
Forget about the stock market and your 401k’s. If you really want to see your bank account full in 20 years, make sure you’re picking the correct toilet paper.
- Unemployed – If you’re not bringing in any cash than why are you buying toilet paper in the first place? You already know what to do. Take a walk to your local Wendy’s, order a small water and ask for extra napkins.
- $20,000 – $43,672 – You’ve been spoiled your whole life. Your parents provided you with soft, comfortable toilet paper all throughout your childhood. Time to face facts, you’re not that special and you can barely afford rent. Go ahead and pick yourself up some Scotts 1 – ply Thin toilet paper.
- $43,673 – $84,222 – Congrats grad, you made it! You’re successful enough to afford the luxury of standard 2 – ply toilet paper. Don’t be spending all your money on toilet paper though. Kirkland 2 – ply Thin, or Charmin Ultra Soft 2 – ply Thick toilet paper is perfect for your payroll.
- $95,689 – $189,672 – Wow, triple digits. It’s a shame there isn’t any 3 – ply toilet paper. Oh wait, there is! Go out and buy White Cloud Extra Soft and Thick 3-ply toilet paper, some of the softest on the market.
- $189,673 ~ – Now that the peasants are gone, let’s talk real toilet paper. This isn’t about comfort or value anymore. This is about showing your peers that you can afford the most expensive toilet paper on the market. You’re not going to find this next roll at your local shopping center so go online and get your hands on some custom printed Gucci toilet paper.
2) What Kind of Parent Are You?
The brand of toilet paper you use says a lot about the type of parent you are. Do you want your children to get accustomed to the entitled lifestyle you’ve provided them or do you want them to feel the pain that life has to offer?
- I Don’t Have Any Kids – Lucky you. That means you have less toilet paper to share. Spoil yourself with some Charmin Ultra Soft 2- ply Thick.
- I Want My Children to See the Harsh Realities of the World We Live In – Go ahead and pick up the first Scott’s 1 – ply Thin toilet paper you can find. Show your children that the world ain’t all rainbows and sunshine. They’ll thank you when they’re older.
- I Want the Best for My Kids – Who are you kidding? You just want that soft, plush toilet paper for yourself. Go ahead and purchase the same Charmin Ultra Soft you would have bought if you didn’t break the condom in the first place.
3) How Often Do You Find Yourself in the Bathroom?
Yes, even if you’re just going in there to take a shower. This is the toilet paper you’re going to have to look at every time you go into your sacred room, so keep that in consideration.
- Just Call Me Kim Jong-Un – You’re officially off the hook. You’ve saved yourself a life time of monthly expenses and trips to the store. There’s no need for toilet paper if you have nothing to use it for.
- 1-2 Times Per Day – Unless you’re in the bathroom for hours on end, don’t feel pressured to invest in the most prestigious of toilet paper. You can settle for a pack of Charmin Basic 1- ply Thick.
- 3-7 Times Per Day – You go in your bathroom on average 5 times per day. Maybe just to shower or maybe just to tinkle, but the last thing you want to see is 1 – ply toilet paper starring you in your eyes 35 times a week. On the other hand, Quilted Northern Soft and Strong 2 – ply Thick would be a sight to behold.
- 8+ Times Per Day – Your strange obsession with the bathroom is unusual yet intriguing. It’s probably unhealthy too. On your way back from the doctor, pick up White Cloud Ultra Soft and Thick 3 – Ply toilet paper.
4) How Frequently Do You Talk About Your Toilet Paper?
None of us are perfect. You may find that you’ve been discussing toilet paper for 20 minutes before you realize what you’ve been talking about. The frequency at which you talk about your toilet paper should play a significant role in the toilet paper you choose to use on a day to day basis.
- Who in Their Right Mind Brings up Toilet Paper in Conversation? – Get off your high horse buddy. Some of us may just not have much else to talk about. Pick up some standard Kirkland 2 – ply Thin toilet paper and do your business in silence.
- Occasionally, When I Run Out of Things to Talk About – Don’t feel embarrassed, sometimes a chat goes dry and that is all you have left to offer the conversation. If this is the case, you better come prepared. Either buy a pack of 2 – ply Thick Charmin Ultra Soft, some of the softest toilet paper you just can’t stop bragging about, or get your hands on the some 1 – ply Think Scotts toilet paper and complain about how uncomfortable it makes you feel after a trip to Chipotle.
- OMG I Am OBSSESSED With Toilet Paper. My Friends and Family Don’t Understand it, but This Is My World and They’re Just Living in it. – Alright Costanza, slow your roll. To most of us, toilet paper isn’t interesting. In fact, it’s one of the least interesting topics to talk about. Unless, that is, you are wiping your bottom with something extremely out of the ordinary. No need to go to Walmart for this one, instead, hit the brakes, make a U-turn and floor it to the nearest home improvement store. You won’t believe the looks on your friends’ faces when they find out you’ve been using sandpaper to clean up your mess.
5) How Often Do You Invite Guests?
Your guests expect the most from you, but sometimes they expect too much. Don’t let them take advantage of you, but at the same time, try your best to be a good host.
- What’s a Guest? – Your favorite pastime is to lie down in your room, read a book, and not leave. Ever. A guest has never entered your home and you’ll be damned if one ever will. Such inhospitality should not be rewarded. Buy Scotts 1 – Ply Thin 1000 roll toilet paper. It will serve the dual purpose of keeping guests away and saving you another trip to the department store any time soon.
- Sometimes I’ll Invite My Friends Over to Watch a Movie – Become the envy of your friend group by providing them with comfortable, yet affordable, Charmin Ultra Strong 2 – ply Thin toilet paper. Movie night will officially be relocated to your house and Andy will be so jealous.
- I Throw a Party Every Day – Unless you’re Jeff Bezos, throw in the towel now because you’ll never be able to afford enough premium toilet paper to please everyone. Buy some Charmin Basic 1 – ply Thick toilet paper and make your house guests suffer the same pain you do.
6) How Does It Feel on the Way Out?
One of the most important factors to consider. The last thing you want is to come unprepared for a disaster. Stock up on the perfect toilet paper for the most imperfect moments.
- Like Pillows Falling from Heaven into the Ocean – Going to the bathroom is the highlight of your day. You’ve spent hours at work, your ass is tense, and you’re only looking forward to one thing. Open your bathroom door and enter to the sight of a roll of Angel Soft 2 – ply Thin toilet paper.
- Normal – You’re not passionate about a thing in the world and your experience in the bathroom is no exception. Get in your Honda Civic and drive to the nearest ShopRite where you can purchase your store-brand ShopRite 1000 sheet 1 – ply Thin toilet paper.
- IT FUCKING BURNS – Woah! What was that? Did another volcano erupt in Hawaii or was that just your intestines spilling out into the toilet? Time to reconsider your go-to toilet paper and pick up some Cottonelle Gentle Care with Aloe.