Author: Justin Bronz

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5 Critical Factors to Consider Before Going to the Hospital

We’ve all been there. You’re in excruciating pain and the only way in which it can be relieved is with the healing touch of a doctor. You fear that without the assistance of a “qualified professional” you may be suffering for months, or perhaps even years. What most people are unaware of, however, is that hospitals are scary, pointless and an enormous waste of money. Consider these five factors before mindlessly rushing your way to a hospital.

How long would you like to live?

Your life expectancy may determine the worthwhileness of a visit to the hospital. Make responsible decisions and play your cards right to live the life you want.

Not much longer – You drew a bad hand from the day you were born and somehow, it’s only been downhill from there. This array of disheartening circumstances has resulted in your loss of will to live entirely. Doctors may be able to assist you in your dilemma through euthanasia. If you don’t find yourself there already, fly out to New Jersey, California or any of the other of the seven states in which euthanasia legal and make your dreams become a reality.

60 more years – You’ve got your life entirely planned out. Exactly 60 years from today marks two weeks after your 82nd birthday, also known as the 65th anniversary of the time you won the big tennis match against Chris.  Once this moment is over, life will be null of all meaning, but until then you have many adventures to experience to and stories to tell. That being said, since you live by such a heavily structured plan, why don’t you just plan not to get sick or injured in the first place?

Forever – You have no intention of dying now, let alone ever. Well I have some news you won’t be too excited to hear. As history shows, everyone who has been to a hospital has one day passed away. Hedge your bets and try to find yourself as far away from a hospital as you can fathom.

Why are you going to the hospital?

Nobody wants to go to the hospital. It’s a place for sick people to get together and keep each other ill. Make sure it’s worth your valuable time before throwing away your whole day.

I have a fever – You’re probably just overreacting. All of your friends and loved ones have had a fever at least once in their lives, but you just have to be the one to blow things out of proportion. The only reason you’re going to the doctor is to pry for the care you haven’t received from your significant other. Well I hate to break it to you but that’s just not gonna happen

One of my limbs feels weird – You’re just overreacting. If everyone went to the hospital every time one of their limbs felt weird, doctors would be pissed. An odd feeling limb just means that it’s working properly. If you’re still able to move them, you’re probably fine. If not, then all things happen for a reason and that’s just the way it’s meant to be.

Anything else – If you don’t have a fever and your limbs are all intact yet you still find yourself wanting to visit the doctor, you’re probably overreacting. Put a band-aid on whatever mental or physical injury you may have endured and keep moving forward.

Have you checked online?

We’re living in the age of information. Generations of knowledge can be found at your finger tips. Be sure to take advantage of your own resources to determine whether or not you need to visit the hospital.

The internet is for nerds – It’s 2019 and you’re still insecure about using the internet. Whatever cause for seeking medical attention you may have can be temporarily put on hold. You clearly have deep rooted issues that first need to be solved internally. Once you figure yourself out, you can proceed to fix yourself.

Yes, the website I visited suggested I go to a doctor – That website was likely created by a doctor to manipulate you into throwing away your money. You wouldn’t jump off a bridge just because an architect told you to, would you? Find an alternative source of information that steers you in an unbiased direction.

That’s what I’m doing right now – You came to the right place. Continue reading this article and fill your brain with knowledge.

Are you friends with a doctor?

Your social network may prove to be exceptionally useful in a situation where you are in need of medical attention. Check in with your friends before relying on a stranger.

Yes – You’ve become so successful in life to where you’ve surrounded yourself with a network of professionals. Amongst these professionals is a series of specialized doctors, each leading in their respective fields. Think twice before asking them for help. The last thing you want is to embarrass yourself in front your peers with an illness you should have prevented yourself in the first place.

No – Your inability to trust others, and worse yet yourself, has led you down a path of drug addiction coated with regret. Side effects from the abundance of cocaine and methamphetamines in your system has you feeling both weak and paranoid. Don’t even think about going to the hospital unless you want a one-way ticket to jail after having your blood tested.

Have you attempted to become a doctor yourself?

There’s no one more qualified to treat you than yourself. These office quacks think of you as nothing more than a piece of meat with a wallet full of cash, and you won’t stand for it any longer. Time to hit the books and fulfill your calling of becoming a doctor.

Yes, but I failed out of medical school – Failing out of med school, is a sign that you shouldn’t have even tried in the first place. Since you clearly don’t have the capability to become a doctor, you also don’t deserve to be in the presence of one. Rather than visiting a doctor to mend you, go crawl in a ditch and die.

No, I never intended on becoming a doctor – Here’s a fun little anecdote. There once was a child who decided that he didn’t want to become a doctor. He died at the age of five and didn’t even have the opportunity to graduate from grade school. Don’t throw your life away just because you don’t think being a doctor will be “fun”. Get that doctorate and patch yourself up right quick.

I’m already a doctor – Who are you kidding, if you were any doctor to marvel at, you wouldn’t be ill in the first place. Time to stop playing make believe your whole life and get yourself a real job. March your way to Harvard University and get yourself the best degree money can’t buy.

Now that you have a wealth of information, it’s time for you to make an informed decision on whether or not it’s worthwhile to visit the hospital. 

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4 Factors to Consider When Buying Gum

We’ve all been there. You’re at the checkout counter of grocery store and you find yourself blindsided by a wide variety of chewing gums. You’ve heard about this marketing technique before. It’s called an impulse buy, and you’re much smarter than to fall victim to one of the big corporation’s psychological games. You won’t buy this gum on a whim, rather, you will consider the four factors when buying gum and strategically chose a pack on your own terms.

How old are you?

The first factor to consider is your age. As people evolve throughout their lives, their taste in gum evolves alongside. As a precursor to this segment, let it be known that you should never feel ashamed of your age.

0 – 4 – You’re a no-good baby and you shouldn’t be allowed to be chewing gum at all. If you’re capable enough to read this article, I advise that you call Child Protective Services (800-433-4453) as soon as possible. The nice fellows over at CPS will find you a new pair of foster parents to take you away from your severely irresponsible guardians assuming you haven’t been orphaned away already.

5 – 12 – You’re in the golden age of chewing gum, don’t take this opportunity for granted. Between the ages of 5 and 12, you’re scientifically proven to be invulnerable to any and all dental problems. Enjoy it while you can and pick up some Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape Gum at your local candy shop. And while you’re there, do yourself a favor and buy some rock candy and sour patch kids.

13+ – No more kid shit. You’ve had your bar mitzvah which means you’re an adult now. And as an adult, you can’t afford to be seen by your peers with any of that bubble gum flavored baby shit. Time to complete your transition into a full-grown adult by switching from delicious bubble gum to refreshing mint gum. You should be able to find your first pack of Orbit spearmint gum at a nearby Rite Aid or CVS.

How is your physique?

It’s a known fact that chewing gum is the best way to burn calories. If you find that your muscles are sore whenever you come back from the gym, that just means working out isn’t for you and you should give up. Chewing gum is an excellent alternative to exercise and can prove to be an invaluable tool in your weight loss journey.

Frail – You chew gum because you enjoy it, not to burn calories.  Despite gum actually being detrimental to your physique in your scenario, you refuse to give up that which you love. In order to minimize consequences to the greatest extent, you’re going to want to look for gum with the least amount of staying power. Go purchase yourself some Razzles candy gum. If you’re feeling especially adventurous, grab some Zebra stripe gum as well.

Fit – You’ve already achieved physical perfection. Now you chew gum to maintain your current physique on which you claim to have worked tirelessly, but we all know is just a byproduct of your gifted genetics. What you’re looking for is trident mint bliss. It lasts 5 minutes, the perfect amount of time to preserve your perfect body without going into a caloric deficit.

Fat – You only chew gum because it’s a vital part of your diet and that’s perfectly respectable. Not only does chewing the gum burn calories but it also suppresses cravings of hunger! To amplify the effectiveness of your gum, you’re going to want it to resemble a substantial meal. Extra Desert Delights is exactly what you’re looking for. With flavors such as key lime pie, root beer Float and mint chocolate chip, you won’t even want desert after chewing this gum.

Do you care about your health?

2019 is the age of information. With the click of a button, you can find anything from guidance on nutrition to calculus tutorials. Yet for some reason, you’ve found yourself here, reading illegitimate advice on what gum to purchase.

No – No one is perfectly healthy, and nor should they be. God created candy to be eaten, cigarettes to be smoked and vaccines to be thrown in the trash. Forget about what your doctors say, disregard your well-being entirely for a moment of bliss and pick up some Big-League Chew.

Yes – So you think you’re better than everyone else just because you treat your body like a temple? Well guess what, you’re not. You were born with flaws just like the rest of us. God created candy to be eaten, cigarettes to be smoked and vaccines to be thrown in the trash. Forget about what your doctors say, disregard your well-being entirely for a moment of bliss and pick up some Big-League Chew.

How popular do you want to be?

Invisible – Your parents never loved you and now you have trouble loving others, so you chose to live your life in the shadows. Not being seen by others, however, doesn’t make you any less human. You still have that deep craving for gum like everyone else, but you know that as soon as you open that pack, people will flock over like scavengers to ask for a piece. Repel your peers with Dentyne Fire spicy cinnamon gum.

Peak 2010 Justin Bieber – And I was Like baby, baby, baby oh Like baby, baby, baby NO. You only seek validation from others because your parents never loved you and they never will. Feed into that desire for love by offering those close to you a piece of your wintermint flavored 5 Gum. The affection you get from them won’t live up to what you need, but you’ll be grateful for what you get, nevertheless.

Don’t care – You don’t buy gum to be respected by others, you buy it to enhance your day. Your parents raised you poorly and now you compensate by pretending you don’t care what others think about you. Deep down, however, you only act this way because that’s all you know. Total emotional isolation. Some Trident Layers are sure to add some whimsy to your life.

Now that you can confidently decide which gum to purchase, it’s time to check out and chew.

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Early Leaked Video of Supermassive Black Hole

At the center of every large galaxy is a space where nothing can escape, otherwise known as a black hole. Since they were first theorized, black holes have been a topic of fear and intrigue for scientists and laymen alike. An enormous void which sucks up all surrounding matter, after all, is enough to frighten the most intelligent scientists and even the bravest warriors.

Considering the fact that any nearby light is devoured by a black hole, obtaining any image or video had been a near impossible task. However, The Event Horizon Telescope (EHT) Project, a global initiative whose goal is to obtain information about black holes, has found a way to achieve what was previously unimaginable.

“The Event Horizon Telescope is a global network of synchronized radio observatories that work in unison to observe radio sources associated with black holes with angular resolution comparable to their event horizons.” https://eventhorizontelescope.org/

Using a collection of observations from two years we now finally have video footage of a supermassive black hole. While there is very much that is still unknown about black holes, this is an enormous step in a positive direction.

Here is a leaked first look at real footage of a supermassive black hole.

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Conor McGregor Challenges Bus Before Retiring

On March 26, 2019, beloved actor and baseball star Conor McGregor published his unofficial statement of retirement from MMA.

The sudden announcement left fans bothered and confused, many speculating it just to be a tactic to stay relevant in the media. Regardless of his intentions, however, McGregor has always been one to exit the scene with style. Shortly after his announcement, he reached out once more to say that before departing from the UFC he would be challenging his most formidable opponent in the octagon, a bus.

“The only reason I lost my first fight against that bus was because the cops showed up.  Well I’ve been training for months and this fucker don’t know what he’s got coming for him.”

McGregor, referring to the bus he assaulted in April, 2018, has been preparing heavily for the coming fight. Reportedly, His training mostly consisted of punching wrecked cars in a local junkyard and drinking beer. Despite the vehicle having a clear technical advantage with a solid metal exterior and an engine that can travel over 80mph, McGregor believes he will undoubtably leave victorious.

According to UFC officials, a two-mile-long octagon ring will be built to accommodate for the bus driver. The vehicle is confirmed to be fully functional during the fight and will be driven by famed NASCAR racer, Jeff Gordon. While in the ring, McGregor will not be permitted to enter the vehicle and Gordon will be armed in preparation for when he does.

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A Tragic Story of How One Woman Lost Her Arm

What was meant to be an ordinary press conference in the White House ended up in bloodshed when one journalist just couldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. It all started when Jim Acosta, the chief White House correspondent of CNN, abruptly took a stand to ask President Trump a question about the incoming caravan. Trump pitied the arrogant journalist and answered his question with the dignity and grace of a gazelle. However, one question simply wasn’t enough for this greedy reporter. After having received an honest and sensible answer, Acosta proceeded to badger President Trump with a flurry of unrelated inquiries. Though often prided on his abundance of patience, Trump felt it was only fair that a new reporter should have the opportunity to ask his question. He motioned for a young White House intern to take the microphone away from Acosta and lend it to the next deserving journalist.

It was clear, however, by his apparent black belt and his rusty Sai that Acosta came prepared to fight. As the White House intern peacefully reached for the microphone, Acosta chopped her arm in one fell swoop. The crowd of reporters and journalists were aghast as they saw the intern’s arm fall straight to the floor. Blood splattered on neighboring correspondents and the separated limb became a spectacle at which no one could avert their eyes. After the brief wave of shock passed through the room, the White House filled up with shrieks of fear and panic. As cries were heard throughout, Acosta remained standing with the microphone in his hand, unfazed from the onslaught that had just taken place.

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6 Important Factors to Consider When Buying Toilet Paper

We’ve all been there. You’re at the department store in search for your usual brand of toilet paper, but when you look around, you find yourself overwhelmed by the massive selection of brand names. You begin to think to yourself “Maybe I’ve been using the wrong brand of toilet paper my whole life.” For some, this may lead to an existential crisis, or worse yet, the purchase of a less than ideal brand of toilet paper. The following guide will help you confidently walk into any Walmart or Supermarket and say, “I know exactly what I came for”.

1) What is Your Annual Income

Forget about the stock market and your 401k’s. If you really want to see your bank account full in 20 years, make sure you’re picking the correct toilet paper.

  1. Unemployed – If you’re not bringing in any cash than why are you buying toilet paper in the first place? You already know what to do. Take a walk to your local Wendy’s, order a small water and ask for extra napkins.
  2. $20,000 – $43,672 – You’ve been spoiled your whole life. Your parents provided you with soft, comfortable toilet paper all throughout your childhood. Time to face facts, you’re not that special and you can barely afford rent. Go ahead and pick yourself up some Scotts 1 – ply Thin toilet paper.
  3. $43,673 – $84,222 – Congrats grad, you made it! You’re successful enough to afford the luxury of standard 2 – ply toilet paper. Don’t be spending all your money on toilet paper though. Kirkland 2 – ply Thin, or Charmin Ultra Soft 2 – ply Thick toilet paper is perfect for your payroll.
  4. $95,689 – $189,672 – Wow, triple digits. It’s a shame there isn’t any 3 – ply toilet paper. Oh wait, there is! Go out and buy White Cloud Extra Soft and Thick 3-ply toilet paper, some of the softest on the market.
  5. $189,673 ~ – Now that the peasants are gone, let’s talk real toilet paper. This isn’t about comfort or value anymore. This is about showing your peers that you can afford the most expensive toilet paper on the market. You’re not going to find this next roll at your local shopping center so go online and get your hands on some custom printed Gucci toilet paper.

 

2) What Kind of Parent Are You?

The brand of toilet paper you use says a lot about the type of parent you are. Do you want your children to get accustomed to the entitled lifestyle you’ve provided them or do you want them to feel the pain that life has to offer?

  1. I Don’t Have Any Kids – Lucky you. That means you have less toilet paper to share. Spoil yourself with some Charmin Ultra Soft 2- ply Thick.
  2. I Want My Children to See the Harsh Realities of the World We Live In – Go ahead and pick up the first Scott’s 1 – ply Thin toilet paper you can find. Show your children that the world ain’t all rainbows and sunshine. They’ll thank you when they’re older.
  3. I Want the Best for My Kids – Who are you kidding? You just want that soft, plush toilet paper for yourself. Go ahead and purchase the same Charmin Ultra Soft you would have bought if you didn’t break the condom in the first place.

 

3) How Often Do You Find Yourself in the Bathroom?

Yes, even if you’re just going in there to take a shower. This is the toilet paper you’re going to have to look at every time you go into your sacred room, so keep that in consideration.

  1. Just Call Me Kim Jong-Un – You’re officially off the hook. You’ve saved yourself a life time of monthly expenses and trips to the store. There’s no need for toilet paper if you have nothing to use it for.
  2. 1-2 Times Per Day – Unless you’re in the bathroom for hours on end, don’t feel pressured to invest in the most prestigious of toilet paper. You can settle for a pack of Charmin Basic 1- ply Thick.
  3. 3-7 Times Per Day – You go in your bathroom on average 5 times per day. Maybe just to shower or maybe just to tinkle, but the last thing you want to see is 1 – ply toilet paper starring you in your eyes 35 times a week. On the other hand, Quilted Northern Soft and Strong 2 – ply Thick would be a sight to behold.
  4. 8+ Times Per Day – Your strange obsession with the bathroom is unusual yet intriguing. It’s probably unhealthy too. On your way back from the doctor, pick up White Cloud Ultra Soft and Thick 3 – Ply toilet paper.

 

4) How Frequently Do You Talk About Your Toilet Paper?

None of us are perfect. You may find that you’ve been discussing toilet paper for 20 minutes before you realize what you’ve been talking about. The frequency at which you talk about your toilet paper should play a significant role in the toilet paper you choose to use on a day to day basis.

  1. Who in Their Right Mind Brings up Toilet Paper in Conversation? – Get off your high horse buddy. Some of us may just not have much else to talk about. Pick up some standard Kirkland 2 – ply Thin toilet paper and do your business in silence.
  2. Occasionally, When I Run Out of Things to Talk About – Don’t feel embarrassed, sometimes a chat goes dry and that is all you have left to offer the conversation. If this is the case, you better come prepared. Either buy a pack of 2 – ply Thick Charmin Ultra Soft, some of the softest toilet paper you just can’t stop bragging about, or get your hands on the some 1 – ply Think Scotts toilet paper and complain about how uncomfortable it makes you feel after a trip to Chipotle.
  3. OMG I Am OBSSESSED With Toilet Paper. My Friends and Family Don’t Understand it, but This Is My World and They’re Just Living in it. – Alright Costanza, slow your roll. To most of us, toilet paper isn’t interesting. In fact, it’s one of the least interesting topics to talk about. Unless, that is, you are wiping your bottom with something extremely out of the ordinary. No need to go to Walmart for this one, instead, hit the brakes, make a U-turn and floor it to the nearest home improvement store. You won’t believe the looks on your friends’ faces when they find out you’ve been using sandpaper to clean up your mess.

 

5) How Often Do You Invite Guests?

Your guests expect the most from you, but sometimes they expect too much. Don’t let them take advantage of you, but at the same time, try your best to be a good host.

  1. What’s a Guest? – Your favorite pastime is to lie down in your room, read a book, and not leave. Ever. A guest has never entered your home and you’ll be damned if one ever will. Such inhospitality should not be rewarded. Buy Scotts 1 – Ply Thin 1000 roll toilet paper. It will serve the dual purpose of keeping guests away and saving you another trip to the department store any time soon.
  2. Sometimes I’ll Invite My Friends Over to Watch a Movie – Become the envy of your friend group by providing them with comfortable, yet affordable, Charmin Ultra Strong 2 – ply Thin toilet paper. Movie night will officially be relocated to your house and Andy will be so jealous.
  3. I Throw a Party Every Day – Unless you’re Jeff Bezos, throw in the towel now because you’ll never be able to afford enough premium toilet paper to please everyone. Buy some Charmin Basic 1 – ply Thick toilet paper and make your house guests suffer the same pain you do.

 

6) How Does It Feel on the Way Out?

One of the most important factors to consider. The last thing you want is to come unprepared for a disaster. Stock up on the perfect toilet paper for the most imperfect moments.

  1. Like Pillows Falling from Heaven into the Ocean – Going to the bathroom is the highlight of your day. You’ve spent hours at work, your ass is tense, and you’re only looking forward to one thing. Open your bathroom door and enter to the sight of a roll of Angel Soft 2 – ply Thin toilet paper.
  2. Normal – You’re not passionate about a thing in the world and your experience in the bathroom is no exception. Get in your Honda Civic and drive to the nearest ShopRite where you can purchase your store-brand ShopRite 1000 sheet 1 – ply Thin toilet paper.
  3. IT FUCKING BURNS – Woah! What was that? Did another volcano erupt in Hawaii or was that just your intestines spilling out into the toilet? Time to reconsider your go-to toilet paper and pick up some Cottonelle Gentle Care with Aloe.
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Man Finds Cure to Cancer, He Just Doesn’t Feel Like Sharing it Right Now

The long awaited cure to cancer may have finally been discovered!

Leonard Foster, a 29 year old medical scientist, claims to have formulated a drug that will effectively eliminate cancer. The drug is supposedly cheap to manufacture and has the potential to be sold over the counter for a very affordable price. If brought to fruition, this pharmaceutical will save countless lives and phase out the need for extensive and unaffordable treatments.

There’s only one problem.

In the midst of Foster’s breakthrough, he had been dealing with some hardships in his personal life.  He and his girlfriend of 6 months, Cheryl, got into a heated dispute, leaving him in a state of severe emotional distress. On Sunday, September 16, Foster publicly addressed that he did not feel like sharing his cancer curing drug with the world. Later that day, it was found, in a barrage of tweets, that this was due to the fact that he and Cheryl had recently terminated their relationship.

“We’ve broken up several times before, but this is different.” Foster said. “As soon as I figure things out, I’ll feel more comfortable presenting my drug to the public. But I just feel like I need to work on myself before I can continue to help others. Does that make sense?”

It didn’t take long for word to spread that Foster would be prolonging the release of his cure. In response, a movement was orchestrated by a group of desperate cancer patients to raise money for his mental health. As of today, nearly $150,000 have been raised on Kickstarter to get Foster out of his funk.

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Dinosaurs Are Back and They’re Pissed at Steven Spielberg

Paleontologists and a questionable cult have recently teamed up to resurrect dinosaurs. Though this breakthrough presented us the opportunity to gain knowledge about dinosaurs we otherwise would have never discovered, the revival came with one unintended complication. Upon bringing the dinosaurs back to life, it appeared that they also were gifted with the ability to speak. While this initially came as a shock, experts quickly remembered how bizarre it was that dinosaurs were resurrected to begin with and carried on with their research.

Studies began with top researchers asking the dinosaurs a variety of important questions. Upon receiving answers to their respective questions, it was found that the stegosaurus was an atheist, the pterodactyl felt that his resurrection was cruel and unnatural, and the Tyrannosaurus Rex was very insecure about his pathetically tiny, tiny, little arms.

The following phase of the study was intended to test the dinosaurs’ abilities in critical thinking. In preparation, they were escorted from the lab to a large, empty room, where they were presented carefully selected movies. The first two films, The God Father and Happy Feet, were very well received by the dinosaurs. When asked to explain what they liked about the movies, the dinosaurs provided incredibly insightful feedback, having exhibited appreciation to symbolism and foreshadowing. However, after showing them Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, an unexpected rampage ensued. In their frenzy, the dinosaurs busted out of the room and destroyed several important science machines and expensive computers. Eight scientists were also killed.

Once the turmoil came to a natural end, the T-Rex apologized on behalf of the dinosaurs for their tantrum. He proceeded to calmly express that he wasn’t appreciative of how dinosaurs were portrayed in the film.

“I understand that we didn’t exist during the same era, but by no means does that imply that you can tarnish our good reputation. Believe it or not, we are much more sophisticated than we are as depicted in Jurassic Park. My colleagues and I have a few choice words for this ‘Spielberg’ character.”, the T-Rex said.

The dinosaurs are currently enrolled in a 3-week anger management seminar. As soon as they graduate, however, they plan to stampede their way to Hollywood and share their concerns with Steven Spielberg in hopes for a remake.

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TRAGIC: Local Good Boy Passes Away After Eating His Very First Cigarette

23-year-old Daniel Flores was reported dead on the night of August 28. Flores had always been a good boy. He made it his weekly duty to attend church every Sunday, had been known to stay out of trouble and did not easily succumb to peer pressure. On Tuesday, August 28, Flores found himself hanging out with some bad eggs, not his usual crowd. This group rarely attended church, and most graduated from their respective colleges with a C average at best, likely due to drinking alcohol and skipping prayers. As evening rolled by, the group made their way to a bar in downtown Austin, TX, where they were surrounded by poorly raised, pot smoking, alcoholic deadbeats. Flores ordered chicken tenders and Pepsi, as good boys should, while the rest of the group spent their money on the devil’s water. After a couple of drinks, one of the boys pulled from his pockets a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. The box got passed around the bar until it ultimately found its way into Flores’ innocent hands. Being the good, church-going boy he was, Flores immediately declined, and dropped the box with disgust, spilling the remaining cigarettes on the table of the bar. In his attempt to then pick up a chicken tender from his basket, Flores accidentally grabbed a loose cigarette. He mistakenly ate the stick of poison, and, after looking at his basket, recognized that there were still the same number of tenders, but one cigarette was missing from the table. Realizing what he had done, Flores ran out of the bar in search for the nearest church, where he could go to confess his sin. However, in his disoriented state of panic, Flores forgot to look both ways before crossing 6th street and was hit by a white Prius. By the time the first responders had arrived, Daniel Flores was already diagnosed with death by a local bystander, which was confirmed shortly after by an actual doctor.