We’ve all been there. You’re at the checkout counter of grocery store and you find yourself blindsided by a wide variety of chewing gums. You’ve heard about this marketing technique before. It’s called an impulse buy, and you’re much smarter than to fall victim to one of the big corporation’s psychological games. You won’t buy this gum on a whim, rather, you will consider the four factors when buying gum and strategically chose a pack on your own terms.
How old are you?
The first factor to consider is your age. As people evolve throughout their lives, their taste in gum evolves alongside. As a precursor to this segment, let it be known that you should never feel ashamed of your age.
0 – 4 – You’re a no-good baby and you shouldn’t be allowed to be chewing gum at all. If you’re capable enough to read this article, I advise that you call Child Protective Services (800-433-4453) as soon as possible. The nice fellows over at CPS will find you a new pair of foster parents to take you away from your severely irresponsible guardians assuming you haven’t been orphaned away already.
5 – 12 – You’re in the golden age of chewing gum, don’t take this opportunity for granted. Between the ages of 5 and 12, you’re scientifically proven to be invulnerable to any and all dental problems. Enjoy it while you can and pick up some Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape Gum at your local candy shop. And while you’re there, do yourself a favor and buy some rock candy and sour patch kids.
13+ – No more kid shit. You’ve had your bar mitzvah which means you’re an adult now. And as an adult, you can’t afford to be seen by your peers with any of that bubble gum flavored baby shit. Time to complete your transition into a full-grown adult by switching from delicious bubble gum to refreshing mint gum. You should be able to find your first pack of Orbit spearmint gum at a nearby Rite Aid or CVS.
How is your physique?
It’s a known fact that chewing gum is the best way to burn calories. If you find that your muscles are sore whenever you come back from the gym, that just means working out isn’t for you and you should give up. Chewing gum is an excellent alternative to exercise and can prove to be an invaluable tool in your weight loss journey.
Frail – You chew gum because you enjoy it, not to burn calories. Despite gum actually being detrimental to your physique in your scenario, you refuse to give up that which you love. In order to minimize consequences to the greatest extent, you’re going to want to look for gum with the least amount of staying power. Go purchase yourself some Razzles candy gum. If you’re feeling especially adventurous, grab some Zebra stripe gum as well.
Fit – You’ve already achieved physical perfection. Now you chew gum to maintain your current physique on which you claim to have worked tirelessly, but we all know is just a byproduct of your gifted genetics. What you’re looking for is trident mint bliss. It lasts 5 minutes, the perfect amount of time to preserve your perfect body without going into a caloric deficit.
Fat – You only chew gum because it’s a vital part of your diet and that’s perfectly respectable. Not only does chewing the gum burn calories but it also suppresses cravings of hunger! To amplify the effectiveness of your gum, you’re going to want it to resemble a substantial meal. Extra Desert Delights is exactly what you’re looking for. With flavors such as key lime pie, root beer Float and mint chocolate chip, you won’t even want desert after chewing this gum.
Do you care about your health?
2019 is the age of information. With the click of a button, you can find anything from guidance on nutrition to calculus tutorials. Yet for some reason, you’ve found yourself here, reading illegitimate advice on what gum to purchase.
No – No one is perfectly healthy, and nor should they be. God created candy to be eaten, cigarettes to be smoked and vaccines to be thrown in the trash. Forget about what your doctors say, disregard your well-being entirely for a moment of bliss and pick up some Big-League Chew.
Yes – So you think you’re better than everyone else just because you treat your body like a temple? Well guess what, you’re not. You were born with flaws just like the rest of us. God created candy to be eaten, cigarettes to be smoked and vaccines to be thrown in the trash. Forget about what your doctors say, disregard your well-being entirely for a moment of bliss and pick up some Big-League Chew.
How popular do you want to be?
Invisible – Your parents never loved you and now you have trouble loving others, so you chose to live your life in the shadows. Not being seen by others, however, doesn’t make you any less human. You still have that deep craving for gum like everyone else, but you know that as soon as you open that pack, people will flock over like scavengers to ask for a piece. Repel your peers with Dentyne Fire spicy cinnamon gum.
Peak 2010 Justin Bieber – And I was Like baby, baby, baby oh Like baby, baby, baby NO. You only seek validation from others because your parents never loved you and they never will. Feed into that desire for love by offering those close to you a piece of your wintermint flavored 5 Gum. The affection you get from them won’t live up to what you need, but you’ll be grateful for what you get, nevertheless.
Don’t care – You don’t buy gum to be respected by others, you buy it to enhance your day. Your parents raised you poorly and now you compensate by pretending you don’t care what others think about you. Deep down, however, you only act this way because that’s all you know. Total emotional isolation. Some Trident Layers are sure to add some whimsy to your life.
Now that you can confidently decide which gum to purchase, it’s time to check out and chew.