5 Critical Factors to Consider Before Going to the Hospital

We’ve all been there. You’re in excruciating pain and the only way in which it can be relieved is with the healing touch of a doctor. You fear that without the assistance of a “qualified professional” you may be suffering for months, or perhaps even years. What most people are unaware of, however, is that hospitals are scary, pointless and an enormous waste of money. Consider these five factors before mindlessly rushing your way to a hospital.

How long would you like to live?

Your life expectancy may determine the worthwhileness of a visit to the hospital. Make responsible decisions and play your cards right to live the life you want.

Not much longer – You drew a bad hand from the day you were born and somehow, it’s only been downhill from there. This array of disheartening circumstances has resulted in your loss of will to live entirely. Doctors may be able to assist you in your dilemma through euthanasia. If you don’t find yourself there already, fly out to New Jersey, California or any of the other of the seven states in which euthanasia legal and make your dreams become a reality.

60 more years – You’ve got your life entirely planned out. Exactly 60 years from today marks two weeks after your 82^nd birthday, also known as the 65th anniversary of the time you won the big tennis match against Chris. Once this moment is over, life will be null of all meaning, but until then you have many adventures to experience to and stories to tell. That being said, since you live by such a heavily structured plan, why don’t you just plan not to get sick or injured in the first place?

Forever – You have no intention of dying now, let alone ever. Well I have some news you won’t be too excited to hear. As history shows, everyone who has been to a hospital has one day passed away. Hedge your bets and try to find yourself as far away from a hospital as you can fathom.

Why are you going to the hospital?

Nobody wants to go to the hospital. It’s a place for sick people to get together and keep each other ill. Make sure it’s worth your valuable time before throwing away your whole day.

I have a fever – You’re probably just overreacting. All of your friends and loved ones have had a fever at least once in their lives, but you just have to be the one to blow things out of proportion. The only reason you’re going to the doctor is to pry for the care you haven’t received from your significant other. Well I hate to break it to you but that’s just not gonna happen

One of my limbs feels weird – You’re just overreacting. If everyone went to the hospital every time one of their limbs felt weird, doctors would be pissed. An odd feeling limb just means that it’s working properly. If you’re still able to move them, you’re probably fine. If not, then all things happen for a reason and that’s just the way it’s meant to be.

Anything else – If you don’t have a fever and your limbs are all intact yet you still find yourself wanting to visit the doctor, you’re probably overreacting. Put a band-aid on whatever mental or physical injury you may have endured and keep moving forward.

Have you checked online?

We’re living in the age of information. Generations of knowledge can be found at your finger tips. Be sure to take advantage of your own resources to determine whether or not you need to visit the hospital.

The internet is for nerds – It’s 2019 and you’re still insecure about using the internet. Whatever cause for seeking medical attention you may have can be temporarily put on hold. You clearly have deep rooted issues that first need to be solved internally. Once you figure yourself out, you can proceed to fix yourself.

Yes, the website I visited suggested I go to a doctor – That website was likely created by a doctor to manipulate you into throwing away your money. You wouldn’t jump off a bridge just because an architect told you to, would you? Find an alternative source of information that steers you in an unbiased direction.

That’s what I’m doing right now – You came to the right place. Continue reading this article and fill your brain with knowledge.

Are you friends with a doctor?

Your social network may prove to be exceptionally useful in a situation where you are in need of medical attention. Check in with your friends before relying on a stranger.

Yes – You’ve become so successful in life to where you’ve surrounded yourself with a network of professionals. Amongst these professionals is a series of specialized doctors, each leading in their respective fields. Think twice before asking them for help. The last thing you want is to embarrass yourself in front your peers with an illness you should have prevented yourself in the first place.

No – Your inability to trust others, and worse yet yourself, has led you down a path of drug addiction coated with regret. Side effects from the abundance of cocaine and methamphetamines in your system has you feeling both weak and paranoid. Don’t even think about going to the hospital unless you want a one-way ticket to jail after having your blood tested.

Have you attempted to become a doctor yourself?

There’s no one more qualified to treat you than yourself. These office quacks think of you as nothing more than a piece of meat with a wallet full of cash, and you won’t stand for it any longer. Time to hit the books and fulfill your calling of becoming a doctor.

Yes, but I failed out of medical school – Failing out of med school, is a sign that you shouldn’t have even tried in the first place. Since you clearly don’t have the capability to become a doctor, you also don’t deserve to be in the presence of one. Rather than visiting a doctor to mend you, go crawl in a ditch and die.

No, I never intended on becoming a doctor – Here’s a fun little anecdote. There once was a child who decided that he didn’t want to become a doctor. He died at the age of five and didn’t even have the opportunity to graduate from grade school. Don’t throw your life away just because you don’t think being a doctor will be “fun”. Get that doctorate and patch yourself up right quick.

I’m already a doctor – Who are you kidding, if you were any doctor to marvel at, you wouldn’t be ill in the first place. Time to stop playing make believe your whole life and get yourself a real job. March your way to Harvard University and get yourself the best degree money can’t buy.

Now that you have a wealth of information, it’s time for you to make an informed decision on whether or not it’s worthwhile to visit the hospital.

We’ve all been there. You’re at the checkout counter of grocery store and you find yourself blindsided by a wide variety of chewing gums. You’ve heard about this marketing technique before. It’s called an impulse buy, and you’re much smarter than to fall victim to one of the big corporation’s psychological games. You won’t buy this gum on a whim, rather, you will consider the four factors when buying gum and strategically chose a pack on your own terms.

How old are you?

The first factor to consider is your age. As people evolve throughout their lives, their taste in gum evolves alongside. As a precursor to this segment, let it be known that you should never feel ashamed of your age.

0 – 4 – You’re a no-good baby and you shouldn’t be allowed to be chewing gum at all. If you’re capable enough to read this article, I advise that you call Child Protective Services (800-433-4453) as soon as possible. The nice fellows over at CPS will find you a new pair of foster parents to take you away from your severely irresponsible guardians assuming you haven’t been orphaned away already.

5 – 12 – You’re in the golden age of chewing gum, don’t take this opportunity for granted. Between the ages of 5 and 12, you’re scientifically proven to be invulnerable to any and all dental problems. Enjoy it while you can and pick up some Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape Gum at your local candy shop. And while you’re there, do yourself a favor and buy some rock candy and sour patch kids.

13+ – No more kid shit. You’ve had your bar mitzvah which means you’re an adult now. And as an adult, you can’t afford to be seen by your peers with any of that bubble gum flavored baby shit. Time to complete your transition into a full-grown adult by switching from delicious bubble gum to refreshing mint gum. You should be able to find your first pack of Orbit spearmint gum at a nearby Rite Aid or CVS.

How is your physique?

It’s a known fact that chewing gum is the best way to burn calories. If you find that your muscles are sore whenever you come back from the gym, that just means working out isn’t for you and you should give up. Chewing gum is an excellent alternative to exercise and can prove to be an invaluable tool in your weight loss journey.

Frail – You chew gum because you enjoy it, not to burn calories. Despite gum actually being detrimental to your physique in your scenario, you refuse to give up that which you love. In order to minimize consequences to the greatest extent, you’re going to want to look for gum with the least amount of staying power. Go purchase yourself some Razzles candy gum. If you’re feeling especially adventurous, grab some Zebra stripe gum as well.

Fit – You’ve already achieved physical perfection. Now you chew gum to maintain your current physique on which you claim to have worked tirelessly, but we all know is just a byproduct of your gifted genetics. What you’re looking for is trident mint bliss. It lasts 5 minutes, the perfect amount of time to preserve your perfect body without going into a caloric deficit.

Fat – You only chew gum because it’s a vital part of your diet and that’s perfectly respectable. Not only does chewing the gum burn calories but it also suppresses cravings of hunger! To amplify the effectiveness of your gum, you’re going to want it to resemble a substantial meal. Extra Desert Delights is exactly what you’re looking for. With flavors such as key lime pie, root beer Float and mint chocolate chip, you won’t even want desert after chewing this gum.

Do you care about your health?

2019 is the age of information. With the click of a button, you can find anything from guidance on nutrition to calculus tutorials. Yet for some reason, you’ve found yourself here, reading illegitimate advice on what gum to purchase.

No – No one is perfectly healthy, and nor should they be. God created candy to be eaten, cigarettes to be smoked and vaccines to be thrown in the trash. Forget about what your doctors say, disregard your well-being entirely for a moment of bliss and pick up some Big-League Chew.

Yes – So you think you’re better than everyone else just because you treat your body like a temple? Well guess what, you’re not. You were born with flaws just like the rest of us. God created candy to be eaten, cigarettes to be smoked and vaccines to be thrown in the trash. Forget about what your doctors say, disregard your well-being entirely for a moment of bliss and pick up some Big-League Chew.

How popular do you want to be?

Invisible – Your parents never loved you and now you have trouble loving others, so you chose to live your life in the shadows. Not being seen by others, however, doesn’t make you any less human. You still have that deep craving for gum like everyone else, but you know that as soon as you open that pack, people will flock over like scavengers to ask for a piece. Repel your peers with Dentyne Fire spicy cinnamon gum.

Peak 2010 Justin Bieber – And I was Like baby, baby, baby oh Like baby, baby, baby NO. You only seek validation from others because your parents never loved you and they never will. Feed into that desire for love by offering those close to you a piece of your wintermint flavored 5 Gum. The affection you get from them won’t live up to what you need, but you’ll be grateful for what you get, nevertheless.

Don’t care – You don’t buy gum to be respected by others, you buy it to enhance your day. Your parents raised you poorly and now you compensate by pretending you don’t care what others think about you. Deep down, however, you only act this way because that’s all you know. Total emotional isolation. Some Trident Layers are sure to add some whimsy to your life.

Now that you can confidently decide which gum to purchase, it’s time to check out and chew.